Reach
by jade
Summary: There are those who merely reach for their dreams and those who seize them. An introspective look at Nakago.


I'm not exactly sure why I wanted to write this. Maybe it was Trixie's story All That You Can't Leave Behind which made me not think of Nakago as the evilest being that was ever existed. (Not that he was necessarily a *good* guy in that story but still.) I don't know, I guess I wanted to explore what it was to be Nakago. I think I'm probably going to write something similar but about Soi. Also, this song just really sounds like it's about him. I guess I'm sort of weird. I hope you guys like reading this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi or the song "Disarm" by Smashing Pumpkins. 

Warnings: Rape; violence; bloodshed. Not for the weak-hearted.

Reach

**_"Disarm you with a smile, and cut you like you want me to," _**

****His blue eyes settled on the rising sun which was peaking over the hills, the rays hitting his beautiful golden locks. Any woman or man would have said he had an unusual look but with his armor and air of pride, they never said anything more. 

            A foreigner, they told each other. Nothing more, nothing less. Any that saw him simply admired his good looks and his clear blue eyes before walking on. Girls around marriageable age would giggle and whisper to each other. So handsome and the commander general of Kutou's armies! What a husband he would make! 

            Now he didn't notice, not really taking it for granted or anything as he knew that there would always be change. The hearts of men changed. Years from now would there be nothing but hate for someone like him?

            It had only been a few years ago that people like him were tossed aside and shunned by those same people who now were in awe of him. 

            It had only been a few years ago. 

**_"Cut that little child, inside of me and such a part of you," _**

****The wind made his hair whip around his face as he stood on the highest limb of the tree that he possibly could. Any higher and the branches would break and bend under his weight. Any higher, and he would fall. He could stay up there for hours, pretending the whole world was under him and he was as unreachable as the clouds. 

            "You can't touch a cloud." His mother would say as she did her meticulous embroidery on a piece of clothing. "They say that's where the gods dwell. They live above us in the heavens." 

            "I'll climb the highest tree and touch one." Ayuru told his mother who laughed and shooed him outside to play. No matter how high he climbed, no matter how hard he stretched, he still couldn't feel any of the pure whiteness at his fingertips. 

            They lived on the outskirts of a village, Ayuru and his mother, Ume. Ume had never brought up the subject of his father but anytime Ayuru asked, she got this far away look in her eyes. 

            "Sometimes...sometimes we can't be with those we love. It's something you'll learn as you grow." Ume smiled at him but he saw past the smile to her eyes, tears that were threatening to fall. She would then close her eyes and shake her head a little. 

            _Why can't we be with the people we love? _

As Ayuru grew, he learned that people didn't seem to like him or his mother. Ume would work hard on her embroidery and sewing, their only means of income while he played outside. But every time a woman or a man came to the house to drop off a piece of clothing or pick things up, they were very nasty to Ume. Ayuru didn't understand at all. What had they done? 

            One day, as he was up in a particularly tall tree, he saw a group of boys playing together. He wanted to join them and so he made his way down the tree and shyly approached. 

            "Look at that freak! Look at his weird eyes!" One boy jeered when he spotted Ayuru. 

            "My mom said that they're dirt." Another boy told the others and they all laughed. 

            "Get out of here weird-o!" One of them shoved him. Ayuru started to walk away, not sure how to react to what the others were doing. He couldn't cry because he knew that would only make things worse for him. 

            "Go!" One of the boys threw a rock which nailed him in the side. Ayuru gasped in pain. The blonde-haired boy didn't know what to make of this. He wanted to go home and ask his mother but another rock hit. And another. And another. 

            When Ayuru was finally able to move again, the boys were gone. He was lying on the ground, bleeding. Bruises covered his body. He felt as though he'd never be able to walk again. He could only roll over and look up at the sky as clouds passed by, the sunset making them like pink and a plethora of other colors. 

            _Up there...in the clouds...I wonder if the gods don't like me for trying to reach the clouds..._

**_"Ooh, the years burn,"_**

            "Ayuru!" Ume shook her son urgently as there was more angry hammering on the door. Ayuru woke up in sleepy confusion. 

            "What is it mother?" Ayuru sat up. 

            "We know you're in there!" A man yelled. "Come out here you filth!" 

            "Ayuru, please, you've got to get out of here." Ume handed him his cloak. 

            "What about you mother?" Ayuru asked her in concern. Why was his mother so afraid? What was waiting for them behind the door? Why were they pounding on the door? 

            "Ayuru, go out the backdoor, and then run. Just run as far and as fast as you can go." Ume started to push him towards the door as he put on his cloak. His mother was wearing hers as well, most of her face was in shadow but her eyes stood out. They glistened with fear. 

            "Go!" She opened the door to push him out but there were people waiting for them outside. 

            "Trying to escape?" One man asked as Ume hugged Nakago to her as tightly as she could. "Come on you stupid animals!" The man tried to grab Ume's wrist but she pulled it away. 

            "Lead us." His mother's voice was quiet and yet oddly commanding. Ayuru was seeing the gentle woman in a completely different light. As they followed the man, Ume holding onto his hand but not looking down at him to reassure him. Her face was set in a stone-like expression as she gripped her hand and did nothing but look forward. 

            _She seemed so scared a minute ago...mother, do you want me to be strong too?_

Ayuru couldn't resist the fear that was filling him. Were they walking towards some sort of punishment or perhaps their deaths? Ayuru didn't want his mother to die. He squeezed back on her hand to tell her so and imitated her expression. 

            _The strong can't die. They never die in stories..._

They stood before most of the village and the village leader, a man of about thirty-five was in the front. 

            "Kill them! They're cursed!" One man yelled. 

            "They'll only defile our town!" A woman shouted from somewhere near the back. 

            Cursed? Defile? What were these accusations and where did they come from? Ayuru didn't understand how could he? He didn't understand humanity's hate of the things that were different. None of it made sense. 

            Ume didn't say a word, nor did she look as though she wanted to. She didn't do anything but stare straight ahead. 

            "You are banished from our village!" The leader told them fiercely. "Never come back!" There were shouts of approval from the crowd as well as shouts of dismay from those who wanted death. 

            The two of them walked away from the villagers, Ayuru couldn't stand it one more moment. 

            "Why mother? Why are they saying those things?" Ayuru asked his mother. She looked at him; the strong expression had faded from her face. Her eyes were glistening with tears. 

            "Because...because...that's the way things are." Ume held on to his hand even tighter. "Ayuru...that's the way things are." 

            Ayuru didn't know that his mother was trying so hard not to weep for not being able to protect her son from these things. He didn't know that she was thinking about the days when she was growing up, expecting a life of nothing but happiness, because there was nothing else for a young princess of a large tribe. He didn't know that she was crying because she couldn't change anything, she didn't know what to do anymore. 

            After a few moments, a horse rode towards them. They both turned a little. It was hard to make out the face at first. Ayuru gasped as he realized it was the village leader. 

            "Ume..." He trailed off. "I-"

            "You've already proven how much your promises are worth." Ume cut in, her tone was not angry or accusing, almost matter of fact. "This is how well you kept it." 

            And then he turned and rode without another word. Ume looked even more melancholy. 

            "Mother...who was he?" Ayuru questioned. 

            "A curse." His mother answered shortly before they kept walking on.

**_"I used to be a little boy, so old in my shoes,"_**

****It was funny, they had just walked in one direction until they couldn't anymore and they slept. Then they kept walking. Ayuru supposed that his mother knew where she was going, but in fact, she didn't know where she was wandering. The funny thing about it was that had they ever strayed from this path, things may have turned out differently. Fate pulled them there. 

            It was a town, quiet and waiting for something. Was it them? Yes, Ayuru supposed it was. After the pain they had endured, it only made sense that this town would reward them with a happy and simple life. 

            Already he was seeing visions of his mother's smile, friends, laughter, all the things that he knew were out there but were impossible now. 

            Then the yells of soldiers broke the peace of the town. They were on horses and wearing armor. Swords, ready to kill raised in their hands as they began to attack. 

            The village had done no crime in Ayuru's eyes. Was it because of them? Were they really cursed? 

            "Ayuru..." Ume started to pull her son away from the village. They had to get somewhere they could be safe. 

            Everything slowed down as the soldiers spotted them. It was all going so slow that Ayuru didn't think they could possibly escape what was waiting for them. 

            "Get them!" One soldier ordered as they began to run. They were running so fast that their hoods fell back from their faces. Ume's golden braid gleamed in the sun which made greed rise up in the soldier at the sight of her fear and her long yellow braid, something rare, foreign. 

            Something they had never had. 

            Ayuru ran not sure if he could keep it up forever. His mother yanked on him, urging him to go even faster. Ume thought nothing was more painful then the moment that a hand closed around her braid, tugging her backwards and onto her back. 

            _Ayuru, run!****_

**_"And what I choose is my choice, what's a boy supposed to do?" _**

****He had to turn though; he had to help his mother because if she fell then he would have to fall with her. Ayuru went to help his mother up but was stopped as a strong hand hit him so hard that he flew backwards. 

            "Ayuru!" His mother screamed in horror and tried to rush to his aide. "Ayu-" One of the men hit her in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her and shoving her to ground. 

            "She doesn't look like anything I've ever seen before, does she boys?" One soldier asked the others who all made sneering remarks in return. 

            "Mother!" Ayuru rushed towards her but was hit once more. 

            "Let me go!" Ume struggled fiercely against her captors as one of them pinned her arms. The others only laughed at her feeble attempts to escape. Then a soldier bent over her and began to tear her dress open. 

            "Stop it!" Ayuru yelled, knowing he had no power over the situation. He was weak and useless against the soldiers. 

            "No! Help me! Somebody!" Ume screamed as the other soldiers started to help tear off her clothes. 

            It was in that moment that Ayuru knew no one was going to save them. No one had ever saved his mother before from all the hatred that was thrown at her and no one would save them from the horrible crimes that the men were about to commit. They began to force themselves inside her. 

            "Ayuru!" Ume screamed and tried to reach out towards him. Her blue eyes held nothing but pleading. What she wanted him to do, he didn't know. 

            _Why? Why is this happening? _

"Ayuru!" 

            "Shut up you stupid bitch!" 

            _Can the gods really want this to happen? How can they?_

"Mother!" 

            _I have to save her! I have to make this stop! I just want this to end! _

"Ayuru!" 

            _What do I do?! What do I have to do?! _

"Ayuru!" 

            His frustration, his confusion, his hate towards those who had caused him so much pain, those who had caused his mother so much pain, it all welled together.

            It took over. 

**_"The killer in me is the killer in you,"_**

****Blue light surrounded him for all sides. What was this power that now coursed through him and gave him life? A burning feeling graced his forehead as a mark appeared that he couldn't see. 

            "Mother!" He yelled in pain from this transformation in him. The blue light exploded from him and the soldiers didn't realize what was happening until their bodies were crushed by some huge invisible hand, blood sprayed everywhere. He opened his eyes and wanted them to suffer more, to squash every piece of life left in them. 

            "Ayuru!" His mother's voice was surprised when she felt the pain catch hold of her and her blood flowed, the dark red mixing with her beautiful blonde hair as she found life leaving her body. 

            It was that which made all his emotions melt. His mother's body was as mangled as the soldiers. No, this wasn't how he wanted it. Why did he kill her? He never wanted to kill her. 

            _It's a curse, I'm cursed! Mother, mother, forgive me, I didn't mean to kill you..._

_            I killed her. _

_            I'm...I'm a murderer..._

None of the blood and carnage that was happening around him fazed him. He could only cry as his mother's eyes stared up at the heavens. The clouds passed over head, their pureness mocking the earth below that was stained with blood. **__**

**_"My love, I send this smile over to you,"_**

****The soldiers that hadn't been killed couldn't do anything but stare at the young boy with his wide blue eyes that looked at nothing but his mother's dead body. He didn't cry, he didn't yell or scream.

            Ayuru bent down and cradled his mother's head in his lap, her blood smearing on his hands. He knew that it would never come off. Blood never does. 

            He knew he shouldn't have been able to do it but he dragged her body away. Away from the village a little ways until he was standing under a tree that was hidden from anyone's view. 

            It was there that he began to dig. Patiently and without tools, he scooped the dirt with his hands. The work took hours and hours in the sun but he didn't complain or make any sort of sound. 

            When he was finished, he dragged her body into the grave and buried her, which took less time then he thought it would. Her eyes stared at him until they were covered but as he stared at those dead blue eyes, he knew something right there.

            His mother had wanted to die. Her eyes didn't look surprised or sad or full of pain. No, they were clear and bright. His mother was at peace. She was happy. 

            That's what she had been asking him to do. And he had done it. This is how she wanted it. The world held nothing for her but him and she had to leave him. She couldn't stand another moment of the pain. This was the only thing he could do for her. As he stood over her finished grave, he could only think of one thing to say.

            "Mother...can you reach the clouds now?" 

**_"Disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here," _**

****After he had been lead away by the Kutou soldiers, he was hence reborn as Nakago, the first of the Seiryuu no Shichiseishi. The emperor had been pleased to meet him but it didn't matter to Nakago who could still see his dead mother's eyes. He didn't hear the lecherous way the emperor said that he was to be washed and brought to the emperor's chambers. 

            Nakago was only wearing a thin robe and was told to lie on the bed by the guards before they left. The concubines giggled and whispered to each other and in that moment, Nakago knew what was awaiting him. 

            He couldn't describe what the emperor did to him. How the emperor violated him and touched him with his filthy hands. Nakago thought he had bled. That blood would stain the emperor's hands and remind Nakago every day what had happened to him. 

            After that, Nakago was sent to train with the soldiers. Training every day to make sure that he became a great soldier. But no one knew he had his own agenda. He would be the commander of the armies, this he could already tell. He would be above them all. It was all for revenge. 

            So many crimes against him and yet he kept going. 

            He was taken on many raids in his training. Once, while they were traveling the countryside, Nakago went a little way from the others. The others didn't care; he was a trusted soldier after all. He got off his horse to give it a rest while they were outside a town. 

            Nakago saw a young girl running from a man. Her dark pink hair was pulled up and she had flowers on her, almost like she had been playing in a flower field. The man caught up with her and took her by her collar, shoving her up against the hillside. 

            Eyes full of innocent terror were all that Nakago could see.

**_"To wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone," _**

****"Stupid whore!" The man hit her. "I paid your parents good money for you! And you won't fuck the customers, huh? Take those clothes off!" 

            Haku Kaen squeezed her eyes shut and hoped that someone would help her.

            Strangely enough, her wish was answered.

            "Ahhhhhhhhh!" The man screamed in pain as he disintegrated before her eyes. Soi wasn't sure she should be horrified or if she should be happy. Surely, Seiryuu had saved her from harm. 

            _I prayed to Seiryuu every day for his help. And he has given it. _

Her eyes focused on her savoir and was surprised to see a blue mark glowing on his forehead. 

            _Kokoro...heart..._

_            A Seiryuu no Shichiseishi!_

"Come on Nakago, what are you doing?" A soldier on a horse called to him. 

            "Coming." Nakago started to turn from Kaen without saying anything to her.

            "Thank you!" Kaen braved her heart pounding as she stared at him. He looked at her for a moment longer before joining the other soldiers. 

            _Nakago..._

Nakago didn't know that he had just made a girl's life turn around in an instant. He didn't know that she was following him. Nakago wouldn't care. But a part of him, the part of him he had buried wanted to take that girl in his arms and tell her it was okay. Nakago didn't think about it. 

            "We've got a tag a long." One of the men commented with a whistle. Nakago turned to see the girl following them. He sighed a little before turning his horse around and rode towards her. 

            "What are you doing?" He asked her. 

            "I...I...I don't have anywhere to go and..." Kaen looked down at the ground sheepishly. 

            "Look, you can't just follow us; go do something useful with your life." Nakago dismissed her. Kaen felt as though she had just been stabbed. Even he could see that. But he had no use for this girl. 

            "Its Kutou soldiers kill them!" A group of bandits seem to come out of nowhere. The soldiers of Kutou didn't lose their heads for a second. 

            "To arms!" One of them yelled. 

            "To arms!" The others echoed. 

            The fighters rushed together, Nakago had completely forgotten about Kaen who was watching from the sidelines with baited breath. One of the bandits slid through his horse's leg and Nakago went tumbling on the ground, his sword several feet from him.

            "Die!" The bandit went to stab him.

            "NO!" Kaen screamed and just as Nakago thought his death was about to come, the heavens rumbled and a cracking bolt of electricity hit the man's body, completely frying it. Kaen stared at him in wonder, as if Nakago had made it happen. 

            Nakago was staring back but at a faint glow that was appearing from under her robes. It was blue. He ignored the other men as he made his way over to her. Kaen's eyes widened as he went to lift her skirts. She squeezed them shut but then opened them again in confusion when he seemed to have stopped. 

            A mark glowed brightly on her thigh. 

            "Soi." The name escaped from his lips. He let her skirt fall back down. Kaen was just as amazed by this as he was. 

            "I'm...a Seiryuu no Shichiseishi..." Kaen breathed. Surely, all her prayers had been answered. Nakago bid her to follow him coldly, but Ayuru smiled a little.  **__**

**_"Ooh, the years burn, ooh, the years burn, burn, burn,"_**

****Nakago was in a good mood, everything was working out just right. Oh he hadn't really planned for the losses on his side but they were of little consequence now because everything was going to turn out how it should. 

            He was finally going to get his wish. He was going to be a god. Nothing could stop that now. And now that the Miko was at rest he could go talk to the remaining Seiryuu no Shichiseishi. Suboshi, while having killed a fellow warrior was still a good enough ally and biddable enough, especially now that his precious Yui-sama's health was in danger. The only other one left was Soi. He should have guessed she'd be here even in the end, still following him because truly there was no where else for her. 

            "Nakago-sama..." Soi's voice made him turn. 

            "What is it?" Nakago looked at her. 

            "Nakago...I need to talk to you..." Soi's eyes looked as though she had recently seen betrayal. She had probably seen him being Yui and it made her jealous.

            Oh, Nakago wasn't stupid; he knew that Soi harbored some crush on him that he used to his advantage. She was willing to do any task, no matter how small for him. If he encouraged it a little, it didn't really matter. Maybe she didn't think he could tell but he had heard her whisper his name in her sleep, squabble with Tomo, and do anything just to please him. It all worked to his advantage. 

            "What is it Soi?" Nakago inquired. 

            "I was wondering...if you'd ever take your armor off just for me?" Soi asked, her pleading eyes looking into his. 

            "What are you talking about Soi? I've taken my armor off in front of you many times." Nakago didn't really have time for this. 

            "Yes I've seen your body many times...but...I've never seen your heart! I've never seen you!" Soi's eyes began to cloud with tears. 

            Nakago thought about this for a moment. His heart, where he hid all those horrible memories. Did Soi want that? Did she want to know his pain? What, so she could add that on to her own? And Ayuru wanted to tell her but Nakago kept his mouth shut. 

            "It's been all this time since we first met, do you even remember that?" Soi seemed to be searching for some sort of hope left in her. Her eyes, her strange light grey eyes looking into his. **__**

**_"I used to be a little boy, so old in my shoes," _**

****"Soi, there's only one person who can possibly fulfill all my desires and you are not that person." Nakago told her right out. Soi's eyes widened a little before they dropped to the floor. She walked out of the room. And Nakago walked on. Ayuru looked back and tried to call to her but no words came out as Nakago went to go see how the troops were. 

            There was nothing left now but to go out with the troops and destroy Konan's army. The troops were all ready and the Shichiseishi went out to fight them. Nakago had to scoff at the Suzaku no Shichiseishi, why were they even bothering? Didn't they know defeat when it was staring them in the face? What idiots! 

            "This is so easy!" Suboshi was almost gleeful and Nakago let him be. Soi just smiled and killed. Nakago was glad to see she could get a grip on herself. Emotions were easily the worst weakness one could possess. 

            That's when he saw it, just like before, a sword coming at him and nothing he could do in time to stop it. **__**

**_"And what I choose is my voice, what's a boy supposed to do?" _**

****"Nakago...sama..." Soi gasped as the sword planted itself in her back. The cut didn't hurt at all, no, in fact, if anything, it felt wonderful. It hadn't hit him. It hadn't hurt him and he was still looking at her, his eyes were full of only her. The thing she had always wanted. 

            "Soi..." Nakago couldn't believe what had just happened. He heard only vaguely cursing from down below them. "Soi..." Why had she done this? Ayuru cried out in pain helplessly by Nakago could only stare at her in horror. Why? 

            "I could finally be of use to you." Soi smiled, she was smiling, she was happy. She stretched out her long slender neck with her lips puckered to kiss him. "Nakago...I...love..."

            That was as far she got before her life was pulled from her and her body fell forward, lifeless. Her head resting on him.  

            _"Thank you!" _

_            "NO!" _

_            "Soi." _

_            "But I've never seen your heart!" _

_            "I could finally be of use to you." _

_            "I...love..." _

**_"The killer in me is the killer in you," _**

****Nakago held onto her body. He couldn't explain why he didn't just lay it down, no matter what he was doing. He couldn't be parted with it. Maybe it's because he had killed her. 

            He had killed countless people but with absolutely no regret, no cares. It didn't matter to him that they were dead, they weren't part of his life or they were simply just a temporary part of his life. But Soi was always there. Soi was constant and permanent. 

            She was supposed to be there. Any moment he expected her to wake up and ask if he was wounded or if he needed anything. Offer to use her magic to help raise his life force. It's what Soi was there for, it's what she did. But she wasn't there anymore. 

            _How can this affect me so much? Why does it matter so much? _

_            Because...Soi was important to you. Kaen was important to you. _

_            Soi was important as a soldier. That was all. _

Ayuru kept trying to tell himself how much she mattered, the woman who had shared his bed with him, who had cared over his needs. Nakago kept telling himself it didn't matter but it must have because otherwise, why was he still carrying her corpse? 

            Did he think it would keep her there longer with him? Maybe. But this was all he could do. Before he went to get what he had been planning for almost his whole life, he took her on his horse and they rode. 

**_"My love, I send this smile over to you," _**

****How he knew the way, he couldn't say. By all means, Nakago shouldn't have been able to remember but Ayuru knew. Ayuru knew exactly where it was. It took a day to get there but he still hadn't parted himself from Soi's corpse. 

            They arrived there just after noon the next day and he set Soi done, laid her down and then proceeded to take off his armor. Every piece of it was Nakago. Nakago was doing what Soi had wanted him to do most, even if she didn't know it.

            He began to dig, right next to where he had already dug. Of course it had been awhile and the grass had long since grown over but he knew. Ayuru knew. He scooped up handful of dirt after handful of dirt, just like he had done so long ago. When he finally finished after hours of toiling, he put Soi down gently in it. As gently as he could. 

            "Kaen..." Ayuru whispered before beginning to bury her. Her light grey eyes would never look into his intently as they reached ecstasy together again, she would never carefully put on her eye make-up in front of a mirror, she would never brush through her long hair with her fingers, it would never get tangled in his fingers while they moved together, and he would never see her look at him as if he were the only thing in the world again. 

            He patted down the last of the dirt on her grave. He stood there, wondering what he was supposed to say. Surely Kaen deserved at least a few words after all she had done for him, all she had done for Nakago. 

            "Kaen...can you reach the clouds now?" 

            *                                              *                                              *

            Um, wow. I feel bad...for...Nakago...**Jade's head explodes** I knew I shouldn't have written this! I knew I'd end up feeling bad for the guy. Maybe not bad but there is a certain amount of sympathy I'm feeling right now. Okay, I know I didn't get everything perfectly correct in the timeline but that's the wonders of fanfiction, it can be a bit off. Please review. 


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